America's Youth vs. Big Government

Remember the time when musicians actually stood for things?  Not like today’s artists, such as Green Day and Incubus, who lambasted the Bush Administration for the wars in the Middle East, who have now gone quiet in criticism of Obama for perpetuating this same wasteful conflict.  Remember when artists celebrated creative individuality as opposed to parroting popular rhetoric, easily accepted by the majority?

One such musician, composer, and individual who proudly marched to the beat of his own drummer was Frank Zappa.  Frank made no apologies to anyone; religious leaders, congress, the average American, feminists, gays, Republicans, Democrats, musicians, and many more.  Pretty much any group whose own special interests were held high upon a pedestal were fair game for Zappa to publicly ostracize.  Not just a musical hero of mine, Frank Zappa embraced individual freedom and fought (sometimes even on Capital Hill) collective group thought; in my eyes his most redeemable qualities.

One such group Zappa disdained above all others were workers unions.  From about the first moment Frank was composing and recording music, unions had been making his life a living hell.  Union representatives for stagehands would threaten to prevent any recording equipment from being switched on until a series of expensive special union fees were met by Zappa.  “I have experienced situations in which union stagehands were paid astonishing amounts of money for doing nothing.  In some instances, they actually degraded the quality of the live shows they were hired to work on.”  The methods that union reps operated on, Zappa said, boarded on “extortion, subjecting touring groups to interpretations of regulations that border on science fiction.”

And it wasn’t just stagehands unions (who Zappa claimed would get paid more than musicians for simply pushing a chair around) that made Frank’s life difficult.  The Musicians’ Union’s rules governing rehearsal for a recoding session were so backwards, that Zappa and his band would navigate this policy by booking initial rehearsals as rehearsals for the concert.  By doing so, Zappa would, legally, avoided massive union payments for “extra recording sessions.”

Similar to the unintended consequences of today’s auto unions crippling their own job growth, the Musicians’ Union cost American orchestras countless gigs, as Zappa was so frustrated over fees and regulations that he simply decided to employ foreign orchestras.  “Fuck this!  I’m not going to get bent over by some deranged American union extortionist!” – so Frank took his money to Europe, leaving the Syracuse Symphony out of work.

When forced to work with American unions, Frank always seemed to lose.  When recording “Strictly Genteel,” the union mandated that the musicians had a break every hour.  Frank recalls the entire trumpet section heading across the street to a pub for some drinks and when they returned late (15 minutes, holding an expensive 107 musicians who had to be paid hostage in the process), they made countless mistakes, requiring forty edits to attempt to cover them.  Instances like this, lead to Zappa’s growing disgust with musicians, and ultimately his desire to incorporate more synthesized instruments into his music to replace the sound that would be normally filled by a unionized musician.  “The Musicians’ Union actually makes life more difficult for them with certain rule-book technicalities.  The Musicians’ Union helped to create the market for sampling machines.”  More unintended consequences of union greed.

Frank, as mentioned above, would never shy away from criticizing in his music those who crossed his path, and this personal policy applied to unions as well.  He famously lambastes unions in three songs (and possibly more, his catalog is extensive): ‘Rudy wants to buy yez a drink,’ ‘Stick Together,’ and one of my favorites, ‘Flakes.’  The former is a tale about a slimy and threatening union boss named Rudy who carries around a gun, collecting union dues while he claims to be working for the interest of the band.  The song “Stick Together” is a catchy reggae number in which Zappa compares unions to the mafia and suggests to members, “When the union tells you it’s time to strike, tell the motherfucker to take a hike.”  Pretty awesome stuff.  In his epic, ‘Flakes,’ Frank takes a jab at unions when he justifies their shoddy work by saying, “We’re protected by unions, so don’t let it upset you.”

I can’t help but wonder what Frank would think about our union situation fifteen years after his tragic death.  Service Employees International Union (SEIU), one of the most powerful and evil unions in the country (and world), spends millions of dollars influencing elections, extorts its members, and even forms mobs to terrorize its critics.  In Zappa’s home state, public unions are the primary reason for California’s impending budget crisis, as their benefits simply raid treasuries and degrade the quality of life of every citizen throughout the state.  I’m sure if Frank were still alive today, he’d be even more vocal over his disgust with unions, who have long since benefited society as a whole.

We are headed for a conflict with union robber barons, and sadly there are no individuals like Frank Zappa left in the music industry with the cajones large enough to take a stand against their machines.  So called musical activists, Green Day, Incubus, and Rage Against the Machine are more concerned with selling records than taking a controversial position which actually matters to young people today, and we are worse off for it.

Frank, you are missed.

Lyrics to all three songs are found below the videos.

Lyrics for Rudy wants to buy yez a drink

Hi and howdy doody
I’m the union man
You can call me Rudy
Any of you boys not paid up on your cards? Huh?

You know I’m pleased to meet ya
Been tryin’ all day to reach ya
The union’s here to help everyone of you
Rock ‘n Roll stars
Rock ‘n Roll stars

You always know we care so much
About the way they treat ya
They say they got a lot of reasons every day . . .

Just to get
A chance to meet ya
To check and see
No wrong been done
That’s one good reason
I carry a gun
I hope the bulge
Don’t bum you out
Wanna get a good look?
Let me pull it right out!
Let me pull it right out!
Let me pull it right out!
Let me whip it right out!

Rudy!

Hi and howdy doody
I’m the union man
You can call me Rudy
Any of you boys not paid up on your cards?

You know I’m pleased to meet ya
Been tryin all day to reach ya
The union’s here to help everyone of you
Rock ‘n Roll stars
Ha ha ha ha!

Welcome to Chicago
Welcome to L.A.
Welcome to our local here
You’ll always hear me say
The work is here; It’s a couple a bucks
I’m sure you’re glad to pay
Whip it out, here is your receipt
Now I’ll go away
Now I’ll go away
Now I’ll go away
Now I’ll go away
Away-ay-eh-eh-yeah
Away-ay-eh-eh-yeah
Away-ay-ay-eh-eh-yeah
Poo-aah . . .

Lyrics for Stick Together:

This is a song about the union, friends
How they fucked you over and the way they bends
The rules to suit a special few
And you gets pooched every time the do

You know we gotta stick together
You know we gotta stick together
You know we gotta stick together
You know we gotta stick together

Once upon a time the idea was good
If only they’d a done what they said they would
It ain’t no better, they’s makin’ it worse
The labor movement’s got the Mafia curse

You know we gotta stick together
You know we gotta stick together
You know we gotta stick together
You know we gotta stick together

Don’t be no fool, don’t be no dope
Common sense is your only hope
When the union tells you it’s time to strike
Tell the motherfucker to take a hike

You know we gotta stick together
You know we gotta stick together
You know we gotta stick together
You know we gotta stick together

Lyrics for Flakes:

Flakes! Flakes!
Flakes! Flakes!

They don’t do no good
They never be workin’
When they oughta should
They waste your time
They’re wastin’ mine
California’s got the most of them
Boy, they got a host of them
Swear t’God they got the most
At every business on the coast
Swear t’God they got the most
At every business on the coast
They got the Flakes

Flakes! Flakes!

They can’t fix yer brakes
You ask ‘em, “Where’s my motor?”
“Well it was eaten by snakes . . .”
You can stab ‘n’ shoot ‘n’ spit
But they won’t be fixin’ it
They’re lyin’ an’ lazy
They can be drivin’ you crazy
Swear t’God they got the most
At every business on the coast
Swear t’God they got the most
At every business on the coast
[Take it away, Bob. . .]

I asked as nice as I could
If my job would
Somehow be finished by Friday
Well, the whole damn weekend
Came ‘n’ went, Frankie
[Wanna buy some mandies, Bob?]
‘N’they didn’t do nothin’
But they charged me double for Sunday
You know, no matter what you do
They gonna cheat ‘n’ rob you
Then they’ll send you a bill
That’ll get your senses reelin’
And if you do not pay
They got computer collectors
That’ll get you so crazy
Til your head’ll go through th’ ceilin’
Yes it will!

I’m a moron ‘n’ this is my wife
She’s frosting a cake
With a paper knife
All what we got here’s
American made
It’s a little bit cheesey,
But it’s nicely displayed
Well we don’t get excited when it
Crumbles ‘n’ breaks
We just get on the phone
And call up some Flakes
They rush on over
‘N’ wreck it some more
‘N’ we are so dumb
They’re linin’ up at our door
Well, the toilet went crazy
Yesterday afternoon
The plumber he says
“Never flush a lampoon!”
This great information
Cost me half a week’s pay
And the toilet blew up
Later on the next day ay-eee-ay
Blew up the next day WOO-OOO

We are millions ‘n’ millions
We’re coming to get you
We’re protected by unions
So don’t let it upset you
Can’t escape the conclusion
It’s probably God’s Will
That civilization
Will grind to a standstill
And we are the people
Who will make it all happen
While yer children is sleepin’,
Yer puppy is crappin’
You might call us Flakes
Or something else you might coin us
But we know you’re so greedy
That you’ll probably join us
We’re comin’ to get you, we’re comin’ to get you
We’re comin’ to get you, we’re comin’ to get you
We’re comin’ to get you, we’re comin’ to get you
We’re comin’ to get you, we’re comin’ to get you